Parenting an Anxious Teen: Building Confidence, Reducing Reassurance, and Tackling Avoidance
Parenting an anxious teen is an emotional rollercoaster. You want to support them, ease their worries, and be their safe place. But at the same time, you know they need to build confidence, independence, and resilience to face life’s challenges. Finding that balance—between helping and letting go—can feel impossible some days.
This month, I’ve shared posts about three key strategies for supporting an anxious teen:
- Building confidence through increasing independence
- Reducing excessive reassurance
- Tackling avoidance to help them move forward
These approaches can make a huge difference in helping your teen navigate anxiety. Let’s break them down with examples you can try at home:
1. Building Confidence Through Increasing Independence
Anxiety feeds off uncertainty. It tells your teen, You can’t do this. You need someone to do it for you. What if you fail?
But the truth is, confidence doesn’t come from being told they can do something—it comes from doing it. That’s why increasing independence, in small steps, is so powerful.
Example: Ordering at a Coffee Shop
You and your teen stop at a coffee shop. They’re anxious about ordering for themselves, so they ask you to do it. In this moment, it’s tempting to step in—it’s faster, easier, and avoids a meltdown.
But what happens next time? And the time after that? The more they avoid it, the bigger the fear grows.
Instead, you scaffold their independence:
✅ Step 1: Have them practise saying their order quietly to you first.
✅ Step 2: Let them order while you stand beside them.
✅ Step 3: Encourage them to order while you wait nearby.
✅ Step 4: They order alone, and you celebrate their win.
Each step strengthens their belief that they can do hard things.
Other Ways to Build Independence:
✅ Instead of checking their school timetable for them, encourage them to do it themselves.
✅ Instead of asking the waiter for extra napkins, have them do it.
✅ Instead of messaging their teacher for clarification, guide them in writing the email themselves.
Small wins add up to big confidence.
2. Reducing Reassurance: Helping Teens Tolerate Uncertainty
When your anxious teen is struggling, your instinct is to comfort them. To tell them it’s all okay. To reassure them they have nothing to worry about.
But here’s the tricky part: while reassurance feels helpful in the moment, too much of it feeds anxiety. It teaches their brain that the only way to feel safe is to get constant confirmation from you.
The goal isn’t to withhold reassurance completely—it’s to shift the way you respond, helping them build their own ability to cope.
Instead of… Say…
❌ Teen: “Mum, what if I embarrass myself at the party?”
✅ Instead of… “You won’t! You’ll be fine!”
✨ Try… “That’s a really common worry. What’s the worst that could happen? And if it did, how would you handle it?”
❌ Teen: “Do you think I did okay in my presentation?”
✅ Instead of… “You did great! No one noticed you were nervous.”
✨ Try… “I know you were nervous. What do you think went well?”
❌ Teen: “Can you check my message before I send it?”
✅ Instead of… “Sure, let me rewrite it for you.”
✨ Try… “I trust you. What part are you unsure about?”
By gently redirecting reassurance-seeking, you’re helping your teen learn to sit with uncertainty rather than panic in the face of it.
3. Tackling Avoidance: Helping Teens Face Their Fears
Avoidance is anxiety’s best friend.
The more your teen avoids something that makes them anxious—whether it’s making phone calls, going to social events, or starting a new activity—the bigger and scarier that thing becomes.
Breaking this cycle means supporting them to face their fears, gradually and with compassion.
Example: Texting a Friend First
Your teen wants to make plans with a friend but is too anxious to send the first text.
If they avoid it, their brain learns: Avoidance = Relief
If they push through, their brain learns: I can do hard things, and I survived.
How to support them:
✅ Acknowledge their anxiety – “I know sending the first text feels really hard.”
✅ Help them problem-solve – “What’s the worst that could happen? How would you handle it?”
✅ Encourage action – “What’s one simple message you could send?”
✅ Praise effort, not outcome – “I’m really proud of you for facing this.”
The key is gradual exposure—taking small, manageable steps towards the thing they’re avoiding.
Other Ways to Reduce Avoidance:
✅ Instead of skipping a club because they don’t know anyone, encourage them to go for 15 minutes.
✅ Instead of avoiding social events completely, help them set a small goal (e.g., staying for an hour).
✅ Instead of putting off a difficult task, break it into tiny steps and celebrate each one.
Facing fears is uncomfortable, but avoiding them keeps anxiety in control. The more they practice pushing through, the easier it becomes.
Final Thoughts: Small Steps Lead to Big Change
Supporting an anxious teen isn’t about forcing them into things they’re not ready for. It’s about:
✔ Helping them build confidence through experience.
✔ Shifting from giving reassurance to building self-trust.
✔ Gently encouraging them to face what they’re avoiding.
It’s not easy. Some days will feel like progress, others will feel like a setback. But every small step your teen takes is proof that they can handle more than they think.
💡 If you’d like more practical strategies to help your anxious teen, download my free guide here.
✨ You’re doing better than you think. Your teen is lucky to have you. 💙
