Supporting Your Anxious Child

A guide for parents to equip you with the skills and knowledge to support your child or teen when they are struggling with anxiety.

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety is a feeling of fear or apprehension. It has the very important job of letting us know when there is a potential danger, so that we are able to do what we need to do to stay safe. When we sense danger, we go into the 'fight/flight/freeze response'.

These are some of the things you may notice in your child when they are experiencing this:

This in-built alarm system can however, be really helpful! It can energise your child to study for a test for example, or help you to quickly slam the breaks on when a car pulls out in front of you.

Here are some of the things happening in our body when the alarm system is activated. All of these things happen to help us to prepare to run away (flight), or to take action to protect ourselves (fight):

Sometimes our alarm system can go off when there is no real danger. This is like having a car alarm that goes off when someone just walks past your car! This is because our alarms are so good at keeping us safe, that they often take a 'better safe than sorry' approach.

Just the things we think about can set off this alarm. This makes our fight/flight/freeze response kick in ready to keep us safe. This physical response feeds back to your alarm that there is something to be afraid of, even if there isn't.

We can even start to worry that the alarm will go off when we are in situations where it has done so before, so we may start to avoid those situations, or ask for reassurance that we will be ok, or we might do certain things that we think might stop the alarm system from sounding. This can create a vicious cycle because we don't get the chance to see that we will be absolutely fine without doing these things.

Panic Attacks

When we experience the physical effects of our alarm system it feels really unpleasant. If our alarm is sounding loudly, it can feel really horrible! We might even think that there is something seriously wrong with us, or that something terrible is about to happen. Or we may start to fear the physical sensations just because of how horrible they feel. Here is a video to explain this process.

Seeing your child experiencing these things can feel really scary for us as parents. We naturally want to protect them and make it all better. This can inadvertently reinforce to your child that there is something to be worried about, or that they will struggle to manage the situation. The rest of this article will help you to identify common ways that we as parents can inadvertently reinforce the anxiety, and help you to find ways to help your child to feel less fearful and more confident.

4 traps we often fall into when trying to help our anxious child

1 Providing too much reassurance

The trouble with this is that your child may become too reliant on you reassuring them that things will be ok. Reassurance may appear to help in the short term, but it can reinforce the belief that there is something to worry about. Instead, encourage coping self talk e.g. remind them of times they have managed in tricky situations in the past, or times they have overcome their fears. Encourage them to remind themselves of these successes.

2 Pre-empting problems

For example, "if you get upset at school, ask your teacher to call me". Your child may sense that you are worried from your voice tone and body language, again reinforcing that there is something to be concerned about. Instead, support your child to develop problem solving skills and talk them through the problem solving process.

3 Supporting them to avoid the anxiety provoking situation

This can mean that your child misses opportunities to learn ways to cope with stressful situations, and can prevent them from gaining experiences where they have successfully faced and overcome their fears. Avoiding a situation which your child is anxious about may provide that initial relief, but over time, avoidance can worsen the anxiety and your child may avoid more and more things. Instead, encourage your child to face situations that make them anxious, supporting them with practicing coping strategies for managing the anxiety.

4 Repeatedly asking them if they are worried

What your child may hear from this is that there is something to be afraid of, or that they do not have the ability to cope. Instead, ask more open questions about their thoughts and feelings, showing curiosity for what they may be experiencing and providing empathy and validation.

Remember, take care of you!

I know, we hear about self care all over the place, but it is soooo important. You are probably thinking "when do I have time for that Melita?!".

I hear you.

Parenting equals constant busyness, and often no time for anything except keeping your little people (or bigger one's!) alive and well. But! Your mental health and emotional wellbeing are hugely important. Parental burnout is real. And it happens so much because we care so deeply about our role as a mum or a dad. Self care doesnt have to mean a bubble bath or an expensive spa day. It can also mean the day to day of showing yourself compassion, support and acceptance, even when you get things wrong, even when you've had an awful day and feel like the worse parent in the world (which you are NOT by the way!). Rally the troops and gather your support, even if just calling a friend for a giggle, or exchanging funny memes. Those little grabbed moments of connection are a huge part of taking care of you.

See our blog post Looking After Yourself Whilst Supporting Your Anxious Child: A Guide for Parents for further tips on looking after yourself.

To enquire about any of the services we offer including psychological therapy and parenting support, please contact us.